Part 2: The Backstory - Trauma on Trauma

My life before Christ was a never-ending search for healing and wholeness that always eluded me.

Growing up in a turbulent home marked by clinical depression and mental health issues, I learned to walk on eggshells, always on high alert.

In a volatile environment with verbal abuse and aggression, my sibling even attempted suicide. My childhood home offered no psychological safety.

(Yoga appealed to me because I struggled to relax, but I'll explain more about that later.)

As the only girl among my cousins and siblings, I was constantly ganged up on and mercilessly bullied about my weight.

To escape my reality, I spent time at friends' houses, leading to a deep habit of comparison and too much freedom without guidance.

By 14, I was smoking weed, dropping ecstasy, and seeking any substance that would temporarily help me escape my depressed and anxious mind.

Despite excelling in writing, I blew major opportunities in high school because of my focus on partying and gaining acceptance.

I failed my honor’s English class, declined newspaper internships, and even had my nose broken by an abusive, drug-dealing boyfriend during a drunken night out. I was frequently suspended and was arrested twice for possession and shoplifting.

My life was spiraling out of control before I even turned 18. Think the movies Riding in Cars with Boys and Thirteen combined. 

I was journaling depressed thoughts at age eight and put on antidepressants at 16.

And God? Raised culturally-Catholic-but-not-spiritual meant that God was a distant disciplinarian in the sky.

When I was 14, something deeply spiritual did happen while watching "The Passion of The Christ" on DVD in my friend's basement.

It got me praying every night out of fear and and reverence. But even with that eye-opening moment, spirituality still felt far off back then.

Accepted into college in NYC, I saw my big opportunity to leave my hometown.

Leaving behind drugs and bad relationships from high school, I cleaned up my act at school. However, bars, clubs, and Greek life took over.

My focus changed from fitting in socially to achieving status.

I fixated on graduating and landing a good job to avoid my fear of returning to my toxic hometown.

During this time, I saw my first therapist, but we didn’t connect. So in my search for healing, I numbed out with alcohol and food and binge ate at night when I was alone.

I gained 15-20 pounds to heap more insecurity and "not-enough-ness" on my already trashed body image and self-esteem.

And that, my friend, is how I became the perfect consumer of the self-help industry and new-age spirituality. More on that in the next email...